The ties that bind, they are barbed and spined...

What is it, that we admire? That is to say, why do we wish to be someone else? I was told that one day I would have to accept that I was not "her." "Her" being, that whom I admire...

Why if we admire, isn't it because we see something in them that is also in us, but that we have not been able to make real? Perhaps we're afraid? Then why shouldn't be try to be them?

I have tried to move to the country so many times, and it has never worked. However, the only reason was because of people. I need a certain amount of connection to the people in my life who support me. Something about the city makes me feel connected, safe. I thought this summer I had finally reconciled myself to the city. The prospect of hiding in the woods with my best friend brought so much resistance from within me that I bailed. I kept saying, that I just wasn't ready before, and that now I was ready. And then I would say, it's not that I wasn't ready, it's that it isn't me. And then 6 months later I am back to, I just wasn't ready.

Perhaps it will be different now that I have a partner. Perhaps it will be different if we have a car and I buy my own land. Perhaps it will be different when we have a dog. But something in that scares me too, because I don't know what binds and what makes me free.